Sue
by archy the cockroach
Summary: Irvine gets knocked up! MPREG, slash


Seifer was laughing at him. He could practically feel the laughter on the back of his neck. Squall wasn't laughing because Squall didn't laugh. Quistis just looked rather bemused, Selphie looked stunned and excited and like she'd had about six energy drinks. Zell looked disgusted. Rinoa would've looked happy but Rinoa hadn't been there for… well, quite a while now.

"I'm… _pregnant," _said Irvine, making sure that he hadn't misheard Kadowaki. She nodded, solemnly. His mouth fell open and he didn't know what to think. How the fuck did a guy like him get _pregnant? _How the fuck did a **guy **get pregnant? "…I don't understand this."

Kadowaki shrugged. "Not sure, yet, but I'd paint the nursery pink if I were you."

It was about that point that Irvine went into hysterics, raving about how men weren't _supposed _to get pregnant, formula, breast milk and by what Squall heard, notoriously floppy bunnies. Though, he could've heard wrong.

Seifer was outright laughing now. "Oh fucking Hyne, this is the best day of my life by far." Irvine getting knocked up? Too fucking hilarious. "Well, this day, and the day I had that orgy with those hot Estharian women."

Squall blinked. "…They were women?" he said, but Seifer wasn't even listening anyway.

"Well, the only explanation I can come up with all of this is Blue magic. Or you were cursed by Ultimecia. Or maybe Irvine is really a girl. I suspected Squall to be the transsexual type, but you always did have girly legs, Irvine," said Kadowaki, shrugging. Squall frowned. And then he glowered.

Irvine had initially thought he was getting fat. A beer gut, maybe, but that didn't make sense because he didn't get drunk often, and he ate healthy, worked out. Seifer had made fun of him even then, but he usually shut up when anyone referred to his little adventure as the Sorceress's bitch.

He got sick more often. He often wanted to just sit around and eat. He had inexplicable urges to cut off his legs sometimes. (He'd actually stolen Squall's Gunblade and tried to do this, as well, but was foiled, of course, by Selphie.) He often found himself poking his swollen belly wondering if he had a tumor or something.

Hopping off of the examination table, Irvine pushed past the group of people and tore off towards his room. He wanted his goddamn gun. Or a coat hanger. He'd heard somewhere that coat hangers worked for abortions.

The entire orphanage gang trekked after him down the hallway. "Irvine, wait!" shrieked Selphie, bounding after him as fast as her little legs would take her. "It's not so bad!"

"It is bad. Very fucking bad!" yelled Irvine after her. Ladies men weren't supposed to be pregnant! It defied the laws of… everything! Ever!

"Come on, I'll father your little kid. Unless it's like, a tree or something popping out of your ass. God knows that Puberty Boy and Chicken Wuss would make really faggy replacement daddies," yelled Seifer, practically pissing himself he was laughing so hard.

Squall shrugged. It was true.

Getting tired quickly by being one 4-months-pregnant cowboy, Irvine was quickly caught up to. And then, promptly strapped to a table so he could do no further damage to himself or his little mutant baby.

* * *

Six months along and Irvine was still dreading the idea of having a kid. 

They'd painted the nursery pink, however. It wasn't even a nursery. It was a little section of Irvine's room, because he was still a cadet, because he was too fucking lazy to pass the SeeD exams. Seifer and Zell had helped him – Squall was too cooped up with work, and Selphie and Quistis were out shopping.

Covered in baby pink paint, Seifer didn't look so intimidating. Irvine would've laughed, but he was having an awful hiccupping fit. He found that he got these quite often. It was strange.

Wiping his brow, Zell turned around and grinned. He'd gotten relatively used to the idea of his very male friend having a kid. He'd made it very clear he didn't want to be there when it was delivered, but he thought it was pretty cool to be a pseudo-uncle. "All done. We just have to wait until it dries. But, uh, I wouldn't recommend staying in this room. It smells sick," he said, flopping his paintbrush down into the tray.

Irvine just nodded because he couldn't stop fucking _hiccupping._

"Maybe you could stay with Squall. God knows that guy needs to get laid, and you're the only other faggot I could think of," he said. Irvine blinked. Squall was gay? When did this happen? Or was Seifer just shitting him.

"Seifer's just kidding," said Squall, entering the room. He had a pen tucked behind his ear, and a few loose papers in his right hand. Seifer raised an eyebrow. "He's the one who had sex with that transsexual when we were in Dollet."

"She was hot," pointed out Seifer.

"Her dick was bigger than yours," deadpanned Squall.

Seifer looked like he wanted to make another comment, but he shut his mouth. Making a cursory glance at the pink on the walls, Squall quirked an eyebrow. "Irvine you can stay with me. I have the biggest living quarters, and an extra room."

"Like he'll be needing that," snorted Seifer. Zell pushed the bigger blonde away from him. There was too much idiocy in the room for him, and Irvine's hiccupping was getting really annoying.

Squall rolled his eyes. "Come on, Irvine. Standing here is going to make you sick. Not just from the paint fumes," he muttered, sending a glare towards Seifer.

Irvine hadn't really realized how late it was. It was already past midnight. He didn't really feel that tired, but he knew that if he stayed up any later he'd just die in the morning. His back hurt. And he was hungry.

Being pregnant sucked.

"So, uh, how was—hic—work?"

"…Fine."

"Oh. Good."

There was an uncomfortable silence that came from being around Squall Leonhart. He hadn't talked much since… well, ever. Even less so, because Rinoa had left him and Seifer was back to occupy the silence, usually. When the arrogant bastard had come back, people had forgiven him. Probably because Squall missed him, on some subconscious level.

"How are you feeling?" asked Squall, as they reached the elevator. He'd stolen Cid's old room, living in a proverbial tower on top of his castle. He didn't get many visitors – it wasn't like he wanted them. His office was connected to his rooms, so it gave him an excuse to work for hours on end.

Irvine shrugged, placing his hand over his belly protectively. He felt like a mommy already. It was kind of scary. He took an experimental breath – well, at least his hiccups had stopped? "I'm fine. Kind of. As fine as a pregnant man can be. My back hurts though."

"Oh. You can sit down as soon as we get inside, then," said Squall, listlessly. Exiting the elevator, Squall made a beeline for the door to his rooms. The office was cluttered with various papers and unfinished documents, old cups of coffee and various other office-type paraphernalia.

He had about six locks and a print scanner on his door. Squall had a lot of people who liked to break into his rooms. Stalkers and Selphie and whatnot. Finished unlocking various locks, Squall opened the door, extending an arm to show Irvine he was welcome.

Truth be told, the cowboy expected the place to be booby trapped on top of it. He asked Squall where he kept the battering ram. "That would be in my old room. To keep Seifer out of my things," he said.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say he has a bit of a thing for you," said Irvine, going for the couch. He sat down, making a big show out of how tired he was. Squall shrugged, offering his friend something to drink. Irvine wanted chocolate milk. Squall explained that he didn't have chocolate milk because he wasn't pregnant and/or five years old. Irvine accepted water.

Squall sat down on the couch beside him. He looked tired. "You still have work to do?" asked Irvine, trying to force a conversation out of the taciturn little man. Squall shrugged, and then nodded.

"It'll probably take another few hours," he muttered, offhandedly. "You can take my room if you want to sleep. The bed in the guest room isn't comfortable at all." He doubted he'd get _any_ sleep tonight, and if he did, it'd just be dozing on the couch or maybe passing out at his desk.

Irvine blinked. "You sure you aren't gonna sleep at all? When was the last time you got more than five hours of it?" He raised an eyebrow. Oh god, he was already turning into a mother hen. His life was over.

"About a week ago, but really, I'm fine," said Squall. His eyes were hard. This meant 'no more talking about my bad habits' in Squall language. Irvine raised his hands in surrender. "Besides, people should stay out of my business. I don't ask _you _the last time _you _got laid, do I?"

"A few months ago," said Irvine, automatically. His face fell. "I'm dying." Squall patted him awkwardly on the arm.

"Why not with Selphie? She thinks it's cute that you're pregnant," suggested the brunet.

Irvine shook his head. "We broke up a while ago. Weren't you paying attention?" he asked, blankly. Squall shook his head.

"I pay attention to work. That's about it," he said. Irvine looked like he'd lost his best friend. Maybe he had. Was Squall even his friend? He felt the need to ask, so he did. Squall looked at him funny. "…Sure, we're friends. Why?"

"You should try to get out more, Squall. I think your friends are forgetting about you," he said, giving that usual cheeky grin. Squall frowned. "I, for one—"

"Do you want to fuck?" he asked, abruptly. Irvine stared at him. Squall was already taking off his clothes.

"_What?_"

"I'm just doing a favor for a friend. Since you're all 'forgetting about me'," said Squall, shirtless, going off into another room. He came back with lube. Irvine gulped.

"This isn't what I meant!" said Irvine. But Squall was undoing his pants. And Squall was pushing him down on the couch. "Ack, what are you doing? You're going to traumatize my kid!"

Squall palmed Irvine's cock, raising an eyebrow. "She'll live."

* * *

Seifer laughed at him, again. Irvine hid his face behind his hand, groaning into the soft flesh of his palm. He hadn't fired a gun in a while. He hadn't done much of anything in a while, besides Squall Leonhart. The little fag had jumped him several times, being quite…. domineering for a bottom. He'd never seen somebody so eager to take it up the ass. 

Though, he'd started laughing when Irvine came, snorting about being 'fucked by a pregnant man'. It was kind of funny when one thought about it.

"Oh man, I knew that putting you two cocksuckers in a room together was going to amount to this. How long has it been going on, now?"

Irvine gave a big, guilty grin. "About a month. Kind of, ish."

"Shit, and you're already movin' in," said Seifer, looking at Irvine's empty dorm room. The big pink corner looked very stupid. He wondered if the next cadet who got this was going to raise a fuss. Or be called gay by every other cadet. Probably both.

Finishing packing the last box, Irvine went to stand up, but his stomach suddenly gave a sharp pang. Wincing slightly, he was sure that Seifer had noticed, because the blonde looked suddenly concerned. Who knew that he was such a softie under all of that 'Oh, look at me, I'm bad-ass' attitude.

"She just kicked, that's all," said Irvine, frowning. She was apparently very active in his pseudo-uterus, rolling about in the middle of night and making him have to piss about every five minutes. Ah, the joys of motherhood.

Seifer looked like he wanted to say something.

So, Irvine said it for him. "You wanna feel?"

Seifer said, "Fuck no," but he practically bounded over to Irvine anyway. Irvine pulled up his shirt somewhat, and placed his trigger-sure fingers over his stomach. There was another jolt to his stomach, and he winced ever so slightly. Seifer's hands were calloused and a little bit dry, feeling like sandpaper against his skin.

"You should use lotion," instructed Irvine.

Frowning, the blonde said. "_You_ should get off the fag train as soon as you have this kid, because babies – chick magnets." He didn't move his hand off of Irvine's stomach, and the cowboy could practically see the glee in his eyes.

They didn't say anything else about it.

"This never leaves the room, Kinneas."

* * *

After the little escapade with Seifer, Irvine contemplated going and bothering Squall. But no, he knew that would either lead to him getting yelled at, or him being pounced by the eager commander. While he didn't exactly frown at the latter, he was damn tired from carrying another life form around on himself all day. He didn't exactly have the body structure for it. 

He ran into Quistis. She looked a little frazzled, usually immaculate hair out of place. "Something wrong?" he drawled, putting on his flirtatious face. He quickly took it off when he realized that he didn't probably wasn't too sexy while he looked like a walrus with a gland infection.

"Zell is driving me _crazy_. I'm trying to teach him Blue magic, and he keeps messing it right up," said Quistis, pulling her hair out of its usual clip, and running her hands through it. "He has no aim and he can never remember the spells."

Irvine shook his head. "That boy is going to kill somebody someday." Quistis nodded, pinning her hair back up quickly. "Wanna go get something to drink? You look like you need to relax."

"No alcohol," reprimanded Quistis. "I have to teach a night class, and you're with child." Irvine laughed good naturedly, even though he was silently a little bit pissed that Quistis had bothered him about that sort of thing. He wasn't stupid!

They walked to the cafeteria, easily enough. Quistis ordered tea, as usual. Irvine finally got that chocolate milk he wanted. And about three cranberry-lemon muffins, because he'd been craving them lately.

Sitting at a table by themselves, (Irvine ignoring the looks of bewildered cadets – of course everybody knew, but people still got a little strange around a pregnant man. It was understandable), Quistis watched him scarf down the first muffin.

"So, how've you been Irvine?"

Prodding at a cranberry, he shrugged. "As well as I could be, I guess. I'm horny all of the fucking time, but Squall's there to help that. Kind of. When he's not working and all that. I think I'm getting fat, though."

"I've seen some girls get worse. Don't worry. Besides, you're active enough. It won't be hard to take some of the pounds off," said Quistis, smiling. Irvine frowned. He wasn't getting _that _fat, was he?

Even though the comment was still irking him, he switched subjects. "So, you're back teaching again. How's that going? Any annoying cadets?" he asked. At least with Quistis, conversation was never strained. If she wanted to (or was a little tipsy), she could usually talk his ear off.

"Not really. Though, I like teaching, and the students seem to like me all right as well," said Quistis. Well, no doubt the students liked her. They all wanted to get into her pants.

They chatted about general small-talk subjects for a while, biding their time. And then Quistis dropped a proverbial bomb, killing their niceties and general small-talkyness. "I think I might have gotten you pregnant."

"Wguh?" was Irvine's very educated response.

Quistis nodded. "Remember a while back when I accidentally hit you with Blue magic? I know it sounds very bizarre, but I talked with Kadowaki about it, and she said it was plausible."

Irvine smartly said, "Huh."

"But anyways, I want to get a… I'm not going to say paternity test, but I'd like to get a DNA sample at least. To see if it _is _possible to impregnate men with Blue magic," said Quistis, drumming her nails against the table.

Irvine coughed. Fidgeted. He was totally uncomfortable with the idea that Quistis might be his baby-daddy-mommy… thing. Well, he supposed it was better than having Ultimecia 'magically' knock him up. And he was pretty sure he wasn't a woman, so Blue magic seemed to make sense.

He scratched the back of his head. "Well, uh. As soon as she's born, we'll get her tested. I guess."

Quistis nodded. "Good, then. What are you going to name her, anyway?"

"Dunno, yet. I'm kinda on the fence, you know?"

"Yeah, that makes sense. Did Squall suggest anything? He's usually good at naming things."

Irvine mused for a moment. Well, Squall had suggested 'Raine', the name of his late mother, and even 'Belle' because he really liked that name for some reason. Squall usually named all of the guardian forces. He _was _good at naming things.

Glancing at the wall clock, Quistis stood up. "I'd best be going. Zell's probably having a heart attack about now."

"Or giving someone else one," snorted Irvine, too weary and confused to get to his feet. He wanted to shoot something. He wanted to eat more. He wanted to go find Squall and whine to him, and maybe get the guy to go down on him.

A sudden wave of depression overtook him. Squall was just in it for the sex, wasn't he? He had a pregnancy kink. That's what it was, wasn't it? He liked fucking and that was it.

Morosely, Irvine tromped off to his room. He avoided Squall, and went right straight to bed, with the brunet looking after him, wondering why his boyfriend was so angry.

* * *

Irvine pulled at his skin. He felt fat. He was always vain about his appearance before (not as much as Rinoa, he liked to think, though), but with the added baby weight, he just felt fat. 

Glaring at the bathroom mirror once for good measure, he made his way back into the main room. Squall was _still _working. He was like a man possessed, really.

Not wasting any time, a very hormonal Irvine set right to the accusations. "You're just keeping me here for the sex, aren't you?"

Squall blinked up from his work. "…What?"

"You have a pregnancy kink and you just want me here because of that," said Irvine, a glower on his face. Squall slowly got to his feet, eyes unreadable. He didn't look very imposing compared to taller, pregnant Irvine.

He put his hands on his hips. "What makes you think that?"

Irvine shrugged. "You got interested in me after I got pregnant."

"I've always been interested in you," said Squall, eyebrows low. "You were just with Selphie, and I with Rinoa, so I didn't act on it."

Irvine didn't know what to say or do on the subject, so he oh-so-tactfully switched it. "Quistis thinks she's the one who got me pregnant." He half expected Squall to laugh. Or at least do something more than stare at him.

"…You're joking, right?" asked the shorter man. Irvine shook his head, and went on to explain the little Blue magic accident, and how Kadowaki had agreed with the theory. "Well, I guess that makes sense. Kind of."

Squall went right back to work, like the conversation hadn't even happened. Irvine watched sports on TV. Looking up from his paper to see a random player make a goal, Squall asked; "You hungry?"

"Yeah," said Irvine.

"What do you want?"

"Peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

Squall snorted, leaning over to kiss Irvine on the cheek. "Sure."

* * *

"What do you mean I'm in _labour?" _

Irvine was having a panic attack. Zell was sure of it. He was doing the pregnant Lamaze lady breathing thing. And he was squawking on the phone with Kadowaki. Zell didn't know what to do. One minute he'd been watching Zell show off his new Blue magic talents – the next he was freaking out about being in labour.

"This is what I get for trying to be cool around 9 month pregnant people," muttered the blonde, snatching the cellphone right out of Irvine's hands. He informed Kadowaki that everything was okay, and that he was bringing the idiotic cowboy right to the infirmary.

"Shouldn't we call everybody else, too?" whined Irvine, feeling in pain and scared and out of his mind all at once. His stomach felt like it was going to fall out of his ass. Well, shit, a baby was going to as well.

Warning sirens went off in his head. He didn't want a motherfucking _baby_ popping out of his ass! He wanted to sit down and cry, yes, but he didn't want a baby crawling out of his nether regions! How the hell did women live with this?

"I'll call Squall, at least," said Zell, fumbling with the phone. At least the infirmary wasn't that far away. Being out in the quad, it was just up the hallway, and to the right. Irvine was already walking away. Zell panicked. "Wait, aren't you supposed to be in a wheelchair! What about contractions!?"

"I'm not having fucking contractions, I just feel about ready to pop!" The cowboy stormed off, heading to the infirmary. He was having this baby by caesarian section, or not at all!

By the time they'd made it to the infirmary, the entire orphanage gang was there. Seifer didn't look so amused anymore, just a little hopeful. "Bring on the baby," he said, crossing his arms, looking like he didn't want this to happen when he oh-so-obviously wanted to be an 'uncle'.

Kadowaki informed him already that doing this by C-section was the easiest route. He had a sort of bizarre uterus implanted into him via Blue magic, and it wasn't really connected to any entrances to his body. Irvine thanked holy Hyne for that.

So, in one of those ugly hospital gowns, Kadowaki gave him sleeping powder, and he was out. That was it.

But when he woke up, he found Quistis peering down at him with the biggest smile on her face. "Oh, good, you're awake." He looked down at his stomach, feeling groggy from the anesthesia. Well, it looked fat and flabby with the baby gone, but at least there wasn't a kid inside of him anymore.

He very nearly killed somebody when he saw that Seifer was holding his baby though. "Ack, don't let him touch her!"

"Oh shut up," grumbled Seifer, glaring daggers at the darling new 'mother'. He didn't look like a former sorceress's knight standing there making stupid faces at a baby. But, he did hand the kid over to Irvine when the man requested.

She didn't look abnormal. A healthy baby girl, making cute little noises and gurgling against his chest. "Holy crap, I'm a dad. Kind of." He didn't really expect to be a parent at eighteen years old.

Selphie clapped her hands together. "Congratulations! Oh, this is so exciting! I can't wait to take her out to Balamb and get her pretty dresses! What are you going to name her? Can I help pick out a name? Can I, oh please?"

"Selphie, quiet," said Squall, though, he wasn't very serious about it. Irvine glanced over at him, barely registering he was there at first. He should've known better. Squall had proved to be quite a doting little lover, almost housewife, in the months they'd spent together. Not that he'd let anybody know that. Squall would break his legs.

Kadowaki gave him a confident smile. "I cured you up with a potion already. No scars. And I took a DNA sample from the little one, to see if it is indeed Quistis' baby."

Seifer's eyes were as wide as saucers. "_What?_" Apparently, nobody had told him about the Blue magic deal. "How the f—How does this make any sense at all?"

"It doesn't, I guess," said Squall, with a shrug of one skinny shoulder.

Zell grinned. "That's the fun of it."

* * *

They ended up naming the baby Sue. Mostly because none of them could decide on a proper name. Seifer had kept saying they should name the girl either Bruiser or Spike, but Irvine had shot that down quicker than a Bite Bug. 

Quistis accompanied Squall and Irvine back to their apartment, after a few days of being under Kadowaki's supervision. The doctor had informed them that she was indeed the father. Seifer had looked utterly confused, but nobody but the transsexual down the hall cared about Seifer.

Baby slept in Irvine's arms once home. The little thing hadn't wanted to eat anything – formula, because despite being pregnant, Irvine was fairly sure he wasn't about to start leaking breast milk from anywhere – and had fallen asleep pretty quickly. So had Squall, by the looks of it, who was dozing on the other side of the sofa.

Quistis came out of the kitchen with tea. "You want some?" she asked Irvine, sitting down on the loveseat. He shook his head. No tea. Then he'd have to move his arms, which had gone comfortably numb while holding baby on his lap. He was pretty sure she was slobbering all over his shirt, as well. "Do you want me to put her in the cradle? I'm pretty sure she's conked out for a while."

"I like holdin' her. I'm not some crippled old lady. I could put her in, myself, if I wanted to," said the cowboy, good-naturedly. Quistis stuck her tongue out at him. What responsible parents!

Squall was apparently fighting someone in his sleep.

Quistis' knuckles were going white around her tea. Irvine could tell there was something bothering her. So he asked.

"Well, yes, kind of. I was just thinking about how I caused all of this trouble for you, and I feel a little bit like an outsider, even though the baby is half mine," she said, with a shrug.

Now that he wasn't pregnant anymore, Irvine turned on the sleaze factor up to full volume. Then, promptly turned it down when Sue gurgled happily in her sleep, snuggling closer to his chest.

"Er. Live here with us? We have more than enough room," suggested Irvine.

Quistis blinked. "In case you hadn't noticed, you turned the spare bedroom into a nursery."

"Squall's bed is big."

She frowned. "Pervert."

Irvine grinned. Fully and entirely. "She needs a motherly figure in her life. I'd volunteer Squall, but despite that angelic face of his, he's no woman."

Quistis sighed. "Oh, fine. But what will Squall say to this?"

"Probably yes. Hopefully yes," said Irvine, glancing to his drowsy lover. Squall was snoring a little. Oh, that was sexy. Well, at least he was sleeping.

And all was well in Squall Leonhart's house. Until Squall Leonhart woke up with a very naked Quistis threatening him with a strap on, and Irvine laughing over her shoulder. He vaguely wondered where the baby was.

Meanwhile, Seifer glared at the baby. "They should've called you Spike," he said, before turning on the television, and watching Dora the Explorer with his niece.

* * *

**AN:** don't take this too seriously. XD 


End file.
